095 You Actually Cried for Him

If word got out that a prince and a grand general were fighting over a woman to be their maidservant, I would surely be drowned in a sea of scornful gossip. I might even leave a mark in the annals of history. A general and a prince vying for the same woman, only for her to be drowned in the saliva of the masses—indeed, that would be rather vile. But it could serve as a cautionary tale, and surely, a hundred years from now, no great household would ever seek out a maidservant as beautiful as me again.

"Don't see Yun Heng anymore from now on." Li Yexuan's words startled me.

I still didn't ask why Li Yexuan wanted me to stop seeing Yun Heng, and casually replied with a simple acknowledgment. Even if Li Yexuan hadn't said it, I would have done the same. There was truly nothing left to say between Yun Heng and me. I understood my own feelings toward him, yet I also knew I had to give up those little stirrings of my heart. Having gone to Maple Leaf City and spent my days carefree and idle, it had been a long time since I last pined for him. I didn't know if that counted as letting go, but at the very least, I had truly come to see things more lightly.

Thinking Li Yexuan must be exhausted from the relentless traveling, I urged him to return to the prince's mansion and rest. To my surprise, he collapsed instead, and I had to drag him to the guest room with my pitifully frail body and let him rest.

I was truly naive. Li Yexuan possessed a lifetime of martial arts skill—how could he possibly be so weak? He was only putting on a show for me, that scheming man. Unfortunately, this fool of a girl never noticed.

Had I known what would happen later, I would never have brought Li Yexuan into that guest room. I would have ruthlessly thrown him out of Gold & Jade House and let him fend for himself—die if he wanted, live if he could.

Helping him into that guest room—from then on, everything spiraled out of control.

That room might as well have been reserved for him. Li Yexuan came every few days to rest, claiming he was inspecting his own holdings.

Look at him! The money house was far more important—why didn't he go live there? He only had a one-tenth share in this little Gold & Jade House. What was there for him to inspect?

It forced me to have the guest room cleaned spotless, lest the immaculate prince couldn't endure the hardship and threatened to drag me off to the mansion as a maidservant at every turn.

In time, everyone at Gold & Jade House came to know that Li Yexuan was something of a minor proprietor. But one look at him made it clear he was an aristocratic young master, so no one dared provoke him. A few of the young maidservants, however, kept making eyes at him. I found it somewhat irritating but said nothing. What could I do? Li Yexuan was devilishly handsome and dripping with wealth—far too easy on the eyes. If they wanted to look, let them look.

One day, as I was flipping through the account books, Jin Hu came running in from outside, saying something about a great amnesty being declared across the land.

I asked why a great amnesty was being proclaimed.

And Jin Hu said that the emperor had married off the Nineteenth Princess to Grand General Yun.

The account book slipped from my hands, and Jin Hu hastily bent down to retrieve it. I said nothing, turned, and walked toward the back courtyard.

It wasn't that I was utterly heartbroken, but there was a stifled weight in my chest.

In the end, he was to marry someone else—and a princess, no less.

I had been a princess too, yet here I was, watching Yun Heng marry one woman after another. At least I had already left the general's mansion. Whoever Yun Heng married, it could no longer offend my eyes.

I fetched the fine tea leaves I had prepared for Yun Heng from my room and dumped them all into the little lake. The small fish in the water scrambled eagerly to snatch at them.

What did it matter if they snatched them? What did it matter if they didn't? Even if they seized them, they couldn't eat them. Better not to fight over them at all.

Just like Yun Heng and me—even if he truly saw my heart, even if we truly broke through every obstacle to be together, I would still have to share him with countless other women. I would rather have none of it.

When the tea leaves were all poured out, I grabbed the blue-and-white porcelain jar in my hand and hurled it at the rockery. It shattered into pieces, scattering in every direction.

"What are you doing, throwing such a tantrum?"

It was Li Yexuan's voice. I hastily wiped away my tears, but in the next moment, my wrist was seized.

"Let go of me."

"Why are you crying?" Li Yexuan's hand brushed my cheek, wiping away my tears.

I wouldn't have feared him if he had berated me harshly, but it was his gentleness that undid me. Indeed, for so long, I had borne everything alone, and I was so tired. Even with Li Yexuan, I had to keep secrets.

His words warmed my heart. At that moment, I truly wanted to throw myself into his arms, lean against Li Yexuan's shoulder, and weep my heart out.

But alas, things rarely go as one wishes. Heaven's favorite game is to toy with me.

Just as I was about to draw closer to Li Yexuan, he shoved me away, and the look in his eyes was no longer gentle.

Right. How could the formidable Prince Xuan be warm? How could he show tenderness to a maidservant?

"You know, don't you?"

"Know what?"

"You know that my imperial brother has betrothed the Nineteenth Princess to Yun Heng. That's why you're crying. You're crying for Yun Heng. You actually wept for him—you truly do love Yun Heng."

I said nothing, merely hung my head as tears dripped down one after another. I had thought Li Yexuan had long seen through my heart. Since he clearly knew I was suffering terribly right now, why did he have to poke at my wounds?

"Say something!" Li Yexuan's hand gripped my chin, and it hurt.

I looked up to meet his eyes and asked weakly, "What do you want me to say?"

"What do I want you to say? Your eyes see only Yun Heng—then what am I?"

Li Yexuan's eyes were somewhat red, clearly burning with rage. When words had reached this point, if I still didn't understand Li Yexuan's meaning, I would truly be a fool.

Was he jealous?

"I... I... don't know." I stammered. Li Yexuan had never been like this, and it genuinely frightened me.

"Mu Fan, you have no heart!" With those words, Li Yexuan left. I couldn't even catch a glimpse of his retreating figure before he was gone.

I had no heart?

Li Yexuan must have liked me—when I was still in love with Yun Heng. But wasn't the one he liked the former me, the me who was still a princess?

I didn't want to be the third party between Yun Heng and the Nineteenth Princess, nor did I want to be a stand-in for Li Yexuan's dream lover. I was only fit to be alone.

Heh.

I could only crouch down and cry by myself.

I didn't know how many tears I had shed or how long I had wept before another figure appeared beside me.

"Miss."

I looked up—it was Aunt Jin.

Ever since she learned I was a woman, they had called me "miss" instead of "young master." At first, everyone was shocked that I turned out to be a woman, but they eventually grew accustomed to it.

She helped me up and led me back to my room. Then she fetched water and washed my face clean.

"Aunt Jin."

"Miss, you mustn't cry. You're so beautiful—when you cry, you're not pretty anymore."

Not pretty anymore. Not pretty anymore.

As a child, I rarely cried. Carrying the memories of a past life, I couldn't summon tears. I only remembered one time I did cry—though I can no longer recall what it was for. I just remembered Mother Empress stroking my head and saying that if I kept crying, I wouldn't be pretty anymore.

Father Emperor on the other side insisted his little princess was always the most beautiful. He scooped me up in his arms, and the family walked together under the setting sun. Later, my little brother came along, and his beauty was in no way inferior to mine. I suppose Father and Mother's genes were simply too excellent—we were both unfairly gorgeous. The histories of Lingyun Kingdom even recorded our beauty in the official annals. Fearing that our looks might invite unnecessary trouble, we kept a very low profile. Fortunately, with all that quiet restraint, we managed to keep hiding away like this.

Aunt Jin's words reminded me of my former home. I threw myself into her arms and burst into loud, racking sobs.

After a long while, comforted by Aunt Jin, I finally stopped my tears.

"I'm sorry for worrying you."

"Ah, miss may be the proprietress, but in the end, you're still an unfinished young girl. If you don't mind, take an old woman's advice: there's nothing in this life that can't be gotten through. As long as you can let go in your heart, all will be well."

"Aunt Jin, you remind me so much of my mother... but she's no longer here."

I buried my head in Aunt Jin's embrace, but tears kept falling beyond my control. Why, during those fifteen years, hadn't I taken a good long look at Father Emperor and Mother Empress? Now I wanted to see them, but couldn't—they were separated from me by the divide between the living and the dead.

"Poor child, treat Aunt Jin as your mother, then." Her hand stroked my back, giving me a sense of safety I had never known.

"Aunt Jin, do you know? Being alone, I've been through so much. I never allowed myself too much time to be weak."

"It truly has been hard on you. With Aunt Jin here, you can put away that strength. Girls your age should be enjoying life, yet you alone have to suffer out in the world. Your Uncle Jin and I have no daughter by our side—take this place as your own home."

"Alright. Aunt Jin, if one day I should suddenly vanish, leave Gold & Jade House to you and Uncle Jin. Take good care of it for me, and wait for my return."

"Miss, what do you mean by that?"

"I was always alone to begin with; I have no ties to bind me. I'm only making a contingency plan, just in case." I didn't know whether my words had frightened Aunt Jin—for a moment, she seemed lost.

"Miss, that young master Li doesn't seem simple."

"He is Prince Xuan, Li Yexuan."

"What!" Aunt Jin clearly hadn't expected that the man who shamelessly came around Gold & Jade House every day was Prince Xuan himself.

"Don't shout. He really is Prince Xuan." I thought for a moment, then added, "He doesn't eat people." What was there to fear about Li Yexuan? He was actually a decent person, even if he had just flown into an inexplicable rage—most likely because he was jealous.

"Miss, there's something I'm not sure whether I should say."

"Go ahead."

"That young master Li seems to have taken a liking to you."

"You think so too?"

"Miss, you've sensed it as well, haven't you? Aunt Jin has been through life herself. To be honest, if young master Li truly keeps you in his heart, that would be wonderful. But his status is special—to be his woman would mean standing at the very center of the storm. She'd have more than ordinary people, but she'd have to pay more than ordinary people too."

"I understand. I'm still young; I can hold off for a few more years. There's no rush." And rushing wouldn't help anyway. Given who I was, perhaps I might one day find myself on the opposite side from Li Yexuan entirely.

"That's good, then. Let me go prepare something for you to eat—you haven't had anything at all."

"Alright, thank you, Aunt Jin."

The empty room once again held only me. I didn't tell Aunt Jin about the tangled web between me, Yun Heng, and Li Yexuan. Deep down, I didn't want anyone to know—it was, after all, something that couldn't bear the light.

It wasn't that I didn't know Li Yexuan's feelings. He was eighteen, after all—the age when love first blooms. But I couldn't respond to his repeated hints, just as I couldn't stay by his side. I couldn't be certain whether he had any connection to the coup in Lingyun Kingdom, and I had to guard my own heart firmly.

If Li Yexuan never saw me again because of this, so much the better. Let the feelings end—we were never meant to be anyway.

What I didn't yet understand was that the more one tries to control the heart, the less one can control it. One never knows when it slips away, or when it begins to sink...