093 A Past Too Painful to Revisit

Baili Changfeng’s back was indeed lonely and desolate. He stood there without moving, not the least bit concerned that almost everyone had already gone. Behind him, the Baili residence blazed with festive red, yet that crimson brilliance had become a pain in his heart.

Perhaps because I was a woman, I was more sensitive to Baili Yue’s hardship. Once a bride was carried into the palanquin, she belonged to another family. A daughter married out was like water thrown away; from that moment on, she was an outsider on both sides.

The City Lord stepped out, patted Baili Changfeng on the shoulder, and father and son walked back into the Baili residence together.

As for me, I found Li Yexuan.

“Why aren’t you drinking at the feast?” The moment I asked, I regretted it. Would Prince Xuan really be lacking in fine food and wine? Such a banquet likely would not even catch his eye.

“We should leave.”

His words snapped me back to reality. Yes, we had played so happily in Maple Leaf City, but he belonged to the Moonlit Empire and had to return.

In truth, I did not quite want to go back either, but I did not know how to say it.

“Wait until Baili Yue makes her return visit home. It is not as if a few more days matter.”

“You do not want to go back, do you?”

“I just like this place. There are not so many rules here.” That was the truth.

And I did not want to see Yun Heng again.

I could understand Baili Yue’s feelings. It was not that she did not love Baili Changfeng, but that she could not accept the sort of love he gave her. She could not bear for the man she loved to belong to other women, especially women who had even borne him children. In this strange, fabricated age, it was remarkable to find someone like that. If she could not accept it, then it was better to let go cleanly. As for Yun Heng, it was the same for me. If I could not get past the wall in my heart, then I should not force myself through it. Why should I compel myself to please him?

“If you like it, we can come again someday.”

“Really?”

Li Yexuan nodded, and I was so delighted that I hurriedly pulled him along to join the wedding banquet and share in the good fortune.

Three days later, Baili Yue returned, and with her came the new son-in-law, Wu Quan. On the wedding day, all my attention had been on Baili Yue, so I had not looked carefully at the groom’s face. Now that I saw him properly, he was indeed quite handsome, and standing beside Baili Yue, they made a fine and well-matched pair. Baili Changfeng’s expression darkened somewhat. He must have been in pain.

Baili Yue entered holding her husband’s hand. Her hair was now arranged as that of a married woman, and the bright red dress had stripped away the last traces of her girlishness. Her cheeks were faintly flushed, carrying the joy of a bride newly come into marriage. She lowered her head and smiled, and that single smile drew a flush of red to two gazes.

Baili Changfeng’s eyes remained fixed on Baili Yue the entire time, never once shifting away.

Baili Yue answered him with a smile and a simple “Brother.” The new son-in-law also called him “Big Brother,” and every word and gesture revealed his deep affection for Baili Yue. I had thought Baili Yue had sacrificed herself and would become one of those bitter, resentful wives, but it seemed life was still rich and lively for her. Of course, that was only on the surface.

After going through all the formalities at last, the new son-in-law remained with the City Lord and Baili Changfeng, while Baili Yue returned once more to the boudoir she had lived in before her marriage. She dismissed everyone, leaving only the two of us inside.

“What is going on?” I asked, taking her by the hand. These past few days I had been on edge, terrified that something might happen to her.

“The day I got into the palanquin, I could not stop crying. When he lifted my red veil, the face he saw was streaked with tears.”

“And then?”

“He sent everyone away and personally wiped my tears dry. So I simply told him everything, saying only that I wanted a place where I could live, and that would be enough. I did not dare hope for anything else. At that time, I had even prepared myself to spend my whole life alone in an empty room.”

“And he agreed?”

“He actually said I was terribly foolish, and that it was lucky I had met such a reasonable and good man as him. He also said I should be a good wife. Only later did I learn that, when we were children, we had once met by chance. He had long since…” She trailed off shyly.

Seeing her expression, I understood that by some strange twist of fate, she had married a good man.

“That is good, then. If he does not mind, that is naturally best. Still, you must be careful not to cause any misunderstandings.”

I still could not fully put my mind at ease.

“I know. Meeting him truly was my good fortune, and I will do my best to be a good daughter-in-law of the Wu family.”

“Then that is best.”

“Oh, right. I have something to give you.” Baili Yue rummaged through her room and later took something from a hidden compartment.

I opened the box and saw a small token lying inside.

“This is?”

“The City Lord’s token. I am giving it to you.”

“You must not.” I quickly refused.

“Take it. The City Lord’s token is not as miraculous as people outside claim. Keep it with you, and if you ever run into trouble, bring it to Maple Leaf City. The entire Baili family will help you. My father’s only real child is me, so this token came into my hands. It is of no use to me. I would rather give it to you.”

Baili Yue spoke with utter sincerity. I had thought the token would be given to Baili Changfeng.

“Then Baili Changfeng would have none.”

“Do not worry. The City Lord’s token is rarely ever shown. In the end, Brother will still inherit the entire Baili family, and the token is of no use to him either. When Father gave it to me, Brother was there too. You need not worry.”

“I am only an outsider. Why give something so valuable to me?”

I could not quite understand it. How had Baili Yue known I would ever need the City Lord’s token?

“Mu Fan, there are some things between us that do not need to be spoken to be understood. Your manner and bearing may be deliberately concealed, and hiding them from Prince Xuan and my brother is no problem, but I am a woman. I can still see some things. Your identity is certainly not as simple as a maid’s, and since you remain by Prince Xuan’s side, I feel this token may one day come in handy. I do not want you to get hurt.”

At that moment, it would be a lie to say I was not moved.

My nature was too solitary, and I did not have many people around me. In the past, I had only a couple of maidservants, and I never had a truly close friend. One died for me, and the other was still uncertain whether she lived or died. Chunwan obeyed Yun Heng in everything and always kept a certain distance from me. Now, with Baili Yue, I had never sought anything in return, yet she was giving me something so important.

I had never imagined that such a small token would one day bring me such great surprise.

“Yue’er, for the good of everyone, I cannot say anything. The Prince does not know either. I simply cannot gamble with this. I cannot joke with everyone’s lives. I am sorry.”

“Silly girl, what is there to be sorry for? Counting the days, you should be leaving soon, should you not? This will not be our last meeting, will it?”

“No, it will not. We will see each other again.”

I held the City Lord’s token tightly in my hand.

After the destruction of my country, aside from Yun Heng and Li Yexuan, almost no one had ever made me feel warmth. I had thought that by being sometimes cool and distant, sometimes carefree and laughing, I could conceal the loneliness in my heart. In the end, I had only shut myself away.

A knock sounded at the door. I hurriedly put away the token and opened it, only to find Baili Changfeng standing outside.

I remained beside Baili Yue and did not leave. She was already married, and there was such an ugly past between her and Baili Changfeng. If someone with ill intent discovered the two of them alone together, the gossip would be dreadful. It was better that I stay here and pretend not to understand the meaning in Baili Changfeng’s eyes.

“Yue’er.”

“Greetings, Brother.”

“Are you doing well after marriage?”

“I am well. My husband treats me very well.”

“That is good.”

“Brother should also pay more attention to Sister Jin Yu. She is carrying a child, and there are many inconveniences. Brother ought to be more considerate.”

Baili Changfeng’s gaze at Baili Yue carried a hint of grievance. After a long silence, he only managed to force out a single word: “Good.”

The new son-in-law arrived, and Baili Yue stood beside him, smiling brightly.

The scenery one misses has already become someone else’s; it can only remain in memory.

On the day of Baili Yue’s return visit home, Li Yexuan and I, escorted by everyone, departed in low profile.

“What is it? Reluctant to leave?” Li Yexuan asked me from his horse.

“Yes. I like this place.” I glanced back. Maple Leaf City was now only a small dot; we were already so far from it.

“We can come again next time.”

“You already said that.”

“Mu Fan.” At last Li Yexuan leaped over and settled onto my horse behind me, drawing me into his arms. His hands circled around me as he took up the reins.

“I will definitely bring you here again.”

His words, spoken almost like a promise, warmed my heart. My body slowly relaxed, and I leaned against his burning chest.

I truly did not want to leave Maple Leaf City. There, I could speak to Li Yexuan without restraint. I could cling to him and ask for this and that, and he would grant me everything. We could wander like ordinary people.

Only then did I realize that the one filling my thoughts was Li Yexuan, not Yun Heng. Was this a change?

Once we returned to the Moonlit Empire, he would be the lofty prince above all others, and when I met him, I would still have to pay him formal respect. On the nights in Maple Leaf City, there were several times when Li Yexuan liked to pull me into bed with one motion, wrap me in the blanket, and hold me through the night until morning. Because of that, I often tried to avoid him. Even if, in his heart, he took me for the Huangfu Ziyun he had longed for day and night, even if Mu Fan was merely a substitute, I no longer cared so much. I was the one who had deceived him. If I told him I was Huangfu Ziyun, he would surely tighten his grip on my hand and insist on standing beside me.

I also wished there were someone who doted on me the way Li Yexuan did. But as for the hatred of a destroyed nation, it was enough that I alone suffered for it. I truly did not want to bring that burden to Li Yexuan as well.

If Li Yexuan wanted me to enter his prince’s manor as his maid, I would absolutely refuse. I had to find a way to persuade him and let me return to Jinyu Workshop instead, where I could be nothing more than a minor steward in charge of money.

As my horse galloped onward, I could only leave Maple Leaf City in my memory. Li Yexuan’s horse did not move quickly, as though he were waiting for me. I did not know when his “next time” would be, yet I found myself looking forward to it.

Only that next time nearly never came.

If I had known what lay ahead, I would have run for my life the moment I left Maple Leaf City. Unfortunately, I had not the slightest inkling that this journey back to the Moonlit Empire would become another nightmare that would haunt me forever.

I had personally pushed myself into an abyss from which there was no escape. Many times, when I returned to that dream, to the day I left Maple Leaf City, I could not help but jump off the horse and flee from Li Yexuan on hands and knees.

His chest was very warm, and sleepiness began to rise through me.

“If you are tired, sleep for a while. I am here.”

His voice sounded, and I felt completely at ease, so I leaned against him and drifted into sleep.

In my dream, it felt as though something were nibbling at my lips, leaving a faint, itchy sensation...