090 Let Me Hold You for a Moment

I had a nightmare. In it, Wang Huan’s hand clamped mercilessly around my throat, refusing to let go, while Li Yexuan stood behind me and watched without lifting a finger.

No matter how I struggled, I could not escape Wang Huan’s grip at my neck.

No matter how I cried out, Li Yexuan did not come to save me.

“Tell me. Why did you refuse to marry me back then? Why did you humiliate me? Speak, Huangfu Ziyun!” Wang Huan’s voice rose in bitter fury, his eyes blazing with hatred and unwillingness.

Humiliation? So what I had done to him all those years ago was, in his eyes, humiliation.

“No, let go of me, let me go, ah...”

I jolted awake. It was only a dream after all. Thank goodness it was only a dream...

“You’re awake, Mufan.”

I met Li Yexuan’s gaze, and at the same time his earlier words echoed in my ears: just a servant, after all. Do you really think I would care?

I told myself I was only a servant. At most, a rather unusual servant, but still a servant.

I was just about to speak when he stopped me.

“Don’t talk. Wang Huan struck too hard; you’d better not speak yet. Sleep. I’m here. Don’t be afraid.”

So he had been keeping watch by my bed again. What was this supposed to be? Special treatment for a servant like me?

My body was exhausted, and the pain in my throat had not eased. I turned over and fell asleep with my back to Li Yexuan.

It seemed I heard a sigh behind me.

Back in the State of Lingyun, I had grown close to a young woman from one of the ministers’ households. I always felt she was different from the others, treating me as an ordinary person and never keeping her distance just because I was a princess.

Yet, in time, she climbed into my father’s bed and became one of his women.

At that moment, I collapsed. I ran to her chambers and asked her why.

I still remember what she said: Huangfu Ziyun, do you know? You deserve to be alone. No one will ever stay with you. Even a casual remark from someone else, whether intentional or not, you take to heart. Every emotion you have is written plainly on your face. Don’t put on that expression as though I have betrayed you, and don’t wear that innocent, pitiful look in front of me. It disgusts me.

Her words shattered me utterly.

In the end, I cried myself to sleep in my mother’s arms. In truth, my mother was crying too.

After I awoke from that tear-soaked sleep, I seldom shed tears again, and I rarely met with others my age at court. Unless it was necessary, I did not wish to appear before ministers or subjects. My mother said I had shut myself away from both the world and from others.

That woman was ultimately nothing more than a pawn sacrificed in the palace—a fleeting blossom that opened and fell in an instant—yet because of her, I became someone no stranger could approach. I can no longer even remember her name. Truly, so much time has passed.

I have never forgotten what she said: I took other people’s words too seriously.

Thinking of it that way, I did not need to take Li Yexuan’s words too seriously either. Besides, he had also revealed his identity because of me, and in a sense he had sacrificed something for my sake. Why should I quarrel with him and tear everything apart? There was no need. In the future, Jinyu Pavilion would still have to rely on him, would it not?

Indeed, once I had thought it through, I felt much better.

The door opened.

“Prince Xuan... no, Young Master Li.”

From the voice, it was Baili Yue. She had called Li Yexuan Prince Xuan, then corrected herself to Young Master Li. It seemed his identity was still being concealed and could not be made public.

“Mm.”

“How is Mufan? Young Master Li stayed up all night and must be tired. Leave this to me.”

“Very well.”

Li Yexuan left. When had he become so sparing with his words?

“All right, stop pretending. Get up.”

“How did you know I was pretending?”

I turned over and sat up.

The moment I spoke, my throat burned fiercely, and my voice was hoarse and unpleasant.

“Don’t speak for now.”

Baili Yue hurried to the table and poured me a cup of water.

A mouthful of water soothed my throat at once.

“Yesterday truly scared me half to death,” she said as she refilled my cup, chattering nonstop. “Do you know, yesterday Prince Xuan—no, Young Master Li—such a calm man, was holding you, and his hands were actually trembling a little. Only for a moment, but I saw it clearly. He was in such a panic, holding you and complaining that the servant sent to fetch the physician was too slow. He carried you out himself. In the end, we found you at the clinic. You were lying there while Li Yexuan watched the physician change your dressing. After that, he carried you back personally and kept watch over you all night.”

My fingers tightened around the cup, and I did not even notice the water spilling onto the bed.

Li Yexuan, Li Yexuan, why are you so foolish?

“Did I pour too much? Why is it spilling?”

Just as Baili Yue reached for my cup, I took a large gulp myself.

“Mufan, honestly, are you really not a maid? Could you be some kind of princess-consort? But I’ve never heard that Prince Xuan has a wife... unless you’re still in the development stage...”

Pfft—

Before I could swallow it, all the water in my mouth sprayed out. Baili Yue was not spared either.

Choking hard, I coughed and coughed. Baili Yue could only helplessly pat my back, her clothes already a tragic sight.

In the end, I had no choice but to tell her the undeniable truth: I was merely one of Li Yexuan’s maids...

To my surprise, Baili Yue exclaimed in amazement and even teased me, saying she had thought she might get close to the Princess-Consort of Prince Xuan after all, only to find I was merely a little maid.

If I told her I had once been the Crown Princess, I wondered whether Baili Yue would scream.

The sky darkened little by little again. I had slept so deeply during my fainting spell that I had not properly enjoyed the daylight before night returned. I did not rest; instead, I changed into women’s clothes, which Baili Yue had prepared for me. Wang Huan had already fled, and at last I no longer had to wear those dull men’s garments.

Even the loveliest clothes, however, could not conceal the bruised marks on my neck.

I sat quietly by the table, idly toying with the golden bell in my hand. I knew Li Yexuan would come.

With a creak, the door opened.

“Why are you still not resting?”

I stood and smiled at Li Yexuan.

“Why are you not in bed? Are you feeling better?”

He came in as he spoke. Seeing the wine on the table, he frowned slightly, yet still took a seat.

“I’m fine now.”

Indeed, I was much better. When I spoke, the pain was no longer as sharp as it had been at first. If I drank all that bitter medicine and still felt no improvement, I was afraid I would not be able to restrain myself from smashing the clinic.

“What is this wine for?”

“For you.”

I still could not speak too much, afraid of hurting my throat. I lifted the wine jar and poured him a bowl.

“This is your thanks to me?”

I nodded.

He drank it.

I poured another bowl. He drank that too.

Another bowl. He drank again.

Back and forth, we finished half the jar. Yet Li Yexuan still showed no sign of drunkenness. There was still half a jar left, and no matter what, I could not let him drink any more. If he got drunk, the one who would suffer losses would be me.

“Mufan, you look beautiful today.”

Li Yexuan looked at me and said those words. He was already strikingly handsome, and the wine had tinted his face with a faint flush, his eyes softly hazed as they rested on me. His voice was beautiful, like a clear spring of music rippling straight into my heart.

For an instant, it felt as though the iron in my chest had burst into bloom.

“Would you like to go for a walk?”

I was worried he might have indigestion after drinking so much.

“All right.”

We opened the door and stepped outside.

“If anything feels wrong, say so early.”

I nodded, but the corners of my mouth would not stop lifting.

Under the moonlight, we walked side by side. Though this estate was not as grand as Li Yexuan’s prince’s residence, nor as imposing as the palace of the State of Lingyun, it was still very large.

Having been here so long, I only now realized I had never truly looked around.

Moonlight spilled over the small lake, and it was unexpectedly beautiful. The lake was covered with lotus leaves, though there were no lotus blossoms.

“Do you want to see me dance?”

“You can dance?”

“Since I’m in such a good mood today, shall I dance for you?”

Fortunately, the dress Baili Yue had prepared was very elegant and well suited to dancing. I leaped lightly toward the lake.

I had practiced dance since childhood, so my body was naturally nimble enough to stand upon the lotus leaves and dance.

Turning, gliding, circling, I lost myself in the moonlit sea of leaves.

It had been so long since I danced with such abandon that I completely forgot Li Yexuan was watching me without blinking.

Our gazes met, but perhaps because I had only just recovered from fainting yesterday and lacked strength, my footing slipped. I tipped backward, already seeing myself embrace the water below.

A large hand swept around my waist and pulled me out of the lake.

For a moment I was so embarrassed I did not know what to do, so I simply played dead.

“If you keep pretending to be dead, I’ll kiss you.”

His teasing voice brushed against my ear, and I hurriedly pushed Li Yexuan away.

“You... shameless...”

My finger pointed at him.

“You little wretch...”

Li Yexuan strode over as if he meant to lecture me, then suddenly stopped. His hand actually moved toward his own neck.

“Ah! I forgot. You get an allergic reaction when you drink too much. Wait here. I’ll get the medicine.”

The medicine that Kong Yueling had given me last time should still be there. I rushed back to fetch it, then ran back. Thankfully, Li Yexuan was still standing where he had been.

“Take it.”

My throat truly could not endure the mad dash just now. I set the medicine in Li Yexuan’s hand.

He obediently swallowed it.

“You should keep this medicine with you. I can’t always be by your side,” I said, handing it over to him, only to find that Li Yexuan unexpectedly did not take it.

Instead, he pulled me into his arms. The sudden embrace left me at a loss.

“Li Yexuan, what is it...”

“Don’t move. Let me hold you for a moment, all right?”

“Mm.”

Everyone has a weakness of the heart, I suppose. Perhaps I had accidentally touched some fragile place deep within him and stirred up old memories buried in his heart.

I could not put into words what I felt for Li Yexuan. I only knew that I could not stop myself from thinking: if I were still Huangfu Ziyun, if I could stand beside Li Yexuan in rightful fashion, that would not be a hateful thing at all. Then I would not have met that detestable Yun Heng.

No, that was wrong. I seemed to have met Yun Heng before I met Li Yexuan.

Forget it. Let me just blame my lack of intelligence and not think about it anymore.

“You should still keep the medicine,” Li Yexuan said, releasing me and pressing it back into my hand.

I looked at him in confusion.

“You’re the maid I hired, so of course this is your job. Otherwise, do you think I’d keep you for nothing?”

With that, Li Yexuan turned and started walking back.

He said it with such righteous confidence, such sound reasoning—medicine and truth all in one. Li Yexuan, you win.

If I had known, I would not have given you the medicine. I should have let the wine rash kill you.

“Cursing people is not a good habit.”

Li Yexuan’s words made me stagger, nearly falling over.

Wasn’t he walking away with his back to me? How could he still see through my thoughts? Hmm?