Anxious Over Gains and Losses

I cannot lay the blame on Li Yexuan for what happened between us. The one drugged that night was me, not him. If not for Li Yexuan, I would have been sacrificed beneath a stranger, and that would surely have cost me my life. I would have resisted, even if futilely.

Yet, when it comes to Li Yexuan, I do not know how to face him. His tenderness, his kindness—I see it all, but none of it penetrates my heart. Perhaps acceptance truly takes a long time.

Li Yexuan seems to be busier with each passing day.

The sun set early. I stood in the loft of Qingran Residence, gazing into the endless night.

My long hair hung loosely to my waist, with neither powder nor hairpins, clad only in a robe as white as snow. I spared not the slightest thought for my appearance. After all, I would not leave this place; what was the point of dressing up? If only Li Yexuan could tire of me, that would be best.

Once, in my innocence, I too could sit quietly and watch the night like this. Yet a change of place, a change of heart—nothing is ever quite the same. Now, daylight is to me like this impenetrable darkness: even if I were suddenly to grow a pair of black wings, it would make no difference.

I feel so small, walking in this silent night. No matter how I might rejoice, suffer, or sink into despair, the night remains unmoved—it will not shine brighter for my sake.

I have lost the Kingdom of Lingyun, lost my father and mother, lost my brother and Ah Fu, lost Yun Heng—though, truth be told, he was never truly mine. And now, I have utterly lost even myself. I do not know what more one such as I, living in this world, can lose; there is nothing left to lose.

“My lady, you should eat something.” As I had requested, Li Yexuan gave me no title, so everyone called me “my lady.” Except for Zier, I saw no one else. My identity must not draw attention.

Zier had already come to urge me countless times; supper had been reheated again and again. I wondered if it was still edible.

“You may leave. Go rest,” I said.

“My lady…”

“Go.” My brows furrowed slightly, but I did not scold her.

My gaze never left the night, and my feet wandered unconsciously to the edge of the loft.

Like someone lost in darkness, I longed to draw near to the very source of it, to let the pain gather in a single instant and be done with it.

The notion of suicide flashed through my mind, but it could not command my heart’s numbness. Instead, I felt a wild urge to laugh.

Footsteps sounded behind me—likely Zier.

“Did I not tell you to go?”

But I was embraced from behind.

“What are you trying to do?” I asked.

It was Li Yexuan.

I struggled, but could not break free from his arms.

“You want to jump from here, don’t you? You want to die, is that it?” His voice trembled; for the first time, I realized he could be shaken too.

“I do not.”

After days without speaking to him, I let out a deep sigh.

He turned me around, still holding me tightly, and lowered his head to kiss me.

I could not move at all, so I let him take what he wanted.

My eyes widened; his face seemed magnified before me. When his lashes fluttered, they nearly brushed his cheek.

“Be good, close your eyes.”

I did as he said, letting him invade my mouth.

Only when I was nearly suffocated did he finally release my lips. I thought it would end there.

But it was only the beginning.

His kisses rained down—on my cheeks, my ears, trailing downward.

“Don’t reject me,” he whispered into my ear.

He lifted me in his arms and laid me on the bed, as red gauze drifted down…

That night, Li Yexuan was like a child—clinging, pleading again and again for me not to leave.

His demeanor made my heart ache. He was careful, gentle, coaxing me through the pain. An unfamiliar feeling bloomed quietly within me.

By the end, I felt as if I had been completely taken apart and drifted off to sleep.

When I awoke, I was alone. The place beside me was already cold.

The sun must have risen; Li Yexuan likely had early court.

The soreness in my body reminded me of the madness of the previous night. In the end, I had not even attempted to push him away.

The door creaked open, and I hastily pulled the thin quilt tighter around me.

I thought it would be Zier—yet it was Li Yexuan who entered.

He walked over, sat beside me, and drew me into his arms.

“Why aren’t you sleeping a little longer? Last night must have exhausted you.”

I turned my face away, refusing to look at him.

“Come, eat something.”

“Mm.”

I gathered the inner garment draped over me.

He must have dressed me in it last night.

As I got up from the bed, I staggered, and Li Yexuan caught me.

He set me back on the bed, then handed me a blue dress.

“No need, I can do it myself.” I felt embarrassed having Li Yexuan dress me.

“What’s there to fear? It’s not as though I haven’t seen it before. Don’t move.”

After some tugging, my clothes were finally arranged.

“You frightened me last night—I thought you wanted to die.” Li Yexuan’s words left me stunned.

“You underestimate me.”

I’m not so foolish as to seek death. I may be despondent, sorrowful, desperate, but as long as there is a way to live, why choose the path of death?

“Does it still hurt?” he asked.

I nodded, a bit embarrassed.

“Next time, let’s not be like that—I can barely take it…”

“All right.”

He kissed my cheek.

“Today I informed my royal brother of your existence.”

“What! Are you mad? I’m nothing but a maid!”

“It doesn’t matter—my marriage is my own to decide. When I was young, I once went as a hostage to the Northern Peace Kingdom in place of my brother. Ever since, he feels indebted to me and always yields to my wishes. When you are ready, I’ll take you into the palace.”

“There’s no need for this, Your Highness. You honor Mufan too highly; I have no wish to enter the palace.”

“So be it. If you do not wish to go, you need not. As long as you’re here, that is enough.”

I let him hold me until Zier brought in breakfast.

Li Yexuan only left after finishing the meal.

Once he was gone, I sent Zier away and stayed alone in the room, my palms damp with cold sweat.

If I remembered rightly, years ago, Li Yexuan’s royal brother—the Emperor of Moonlight—had visited the Kingdom of Lingyun. It had been a grand banquet, one I attended as the princess. I remember clearly that the Emperor praised me for my virtue and beauty, jesting about which young man would win such a bride. My father only laughed, saying I was still young. After that banquet, my mother began considering suitors for me at court, hoping I would not follow the same fate as my aunt—my father’s elder sister—who had married into the desert and with whom we had long lost contact. My father often reminisced about his close bond with his sister, and my mother worried I might one day become nothing more than a memory for my brother—a tale of how things used to be.

If I followed Li Yexuan into the palace, the Emperor would surely recognize me. Then, what awaited me would be the chilling depths of the dungeon or endless bloodshed.

A single misstep would bring total ruin. I could not risk it.

Perhaps, without realizing, I had begun to let my guard down around Li Yexuan. That day, after sending Zier away, I changed into men’s attire, took the jade pendant Li Yexuan had once given me, and slipped out.

My purpose was simple: to fetch silver.

The fall of my kingdom could not be ignored. If I were the only one left, then an early death would be a release. But my brother still lived; the kingdom was rightfully his. How could I simply surrender?

I could not drown in the small kindness Li Yexuan offered. For the greater good, I had to leave.

Returning to Jinyu House, I noticed everyone was even more respectful—perhaps they had learned I belonged to Prince Xuan now.

I went to the rear courtyard, hands clasped behind my back, with Uncle Jin and Aunt Jin standing behind me.

“My lady…”

“I suppose His Highness has already informed you. From now on, I leave Jinyu House in your care.” My gaze swept over everything here. To be honest, I was reluctant to part with it. Though the days had not been many, I still remembered the lively scene on opening day.

“Yes. We will do our best.”

“To be blunt, I am here for silver. As you know, I need some money.”

“Of course, I will fetch it at once.”

Uncle Jin withdrew.

“Aunt Jin, is your health better?”

“My lady, you honor me too much.”

“Nonsense. I may seldom return here, so please burn all my belongings—leave nothing, so as to spare His Highness from future gossip.”

“Yes, rest assured.”

“Where is Qingmei?”

“Taken away by His Highness.”

Was Li Yexuan investigating? Why had he not told me?

At last, Uncle Jin handed me the banknotes. I took them without counting.

“There’s no need to accompany me—I’ll just have a look around before leaving.”

Uncle Jin and Aunt Jin departed, bidding me to take care of myself.

I pushed open the door to the room I once lived in; it was still in disarray.

Without my orders, no one dared approach, as expected.

I bent down, picking up the scattered clothing, then sat in the room until dusk, leaving alone through the back door.

Back then, I had escaped the General’s Manor so easily, built Jinyu House, and thought I could stand on my own. Yet, in the end, it all depended on Li Yexuan. What a joke.

Mocking myself all the way, I returned to Prince Xuan’s residence.

As soon as I entered, the steward hurried toward me.

Only then did I notice the entire residence was brightly lit.

Before I could understand what was happening, the steward urged me forward.

As I reached the door, I heard angry shouts from within.

“You’re all useless! Can’t even keep track of one person! What’s the point of feeding you?”

It was Li Yexuan—he was furious.

“My lady, please go in. His Highness rarely loses his temper like this,” the steward whispered, trembling.

I signaled him to be at ease and stepped inside.

“What is all this? Why such a rage?” I walked to Li Yexuan’s side, took his arm, and saw his gaze, never leaving me, soften at once.

I looked at the servants kneeling throughout the room. “What are you doing, just standing there? Leave at once.”

No one dared move. My words carried no weight. I had to pat Li Yexuan’s shoulder.

“Get out, all of you!”

The servants scrambled out, desperate to flee.

“I thought you’d run away.” The anxious uncertainty in his voice made me uneasy.

“Sorry, I only went to Jinyu House and forgot to—mm…”

My lips were sealed.

Then Li Yexuan swept me up with his lightness skill, carrying me into the loft of Qingran Residence.

We tumbled together into a world of springtime passion…