137 Indulgence

"Let us attack the inner city tomorrow. We must resolve this swiftly." Perhaps I could no longer afford to wait.

"Very well, I shall go and make arrangements according to your plan. You should get some rest."

"Alright."

I was left alone in the tent. Those who have lived through a second lifetime always view life and death with a certain detachment, while placing far greater importance on whether this present existence was truly lived. In the emptiness, I could no longer hold back and began to weep quietly. The child is still so young, and I cannot bear to leave him. Apart from the child, anyone else could manage to survive without me, yet my little boy, at merely five years of age, will have to bear the bitter hardship of losing his mother, while I am entirely powerless to prevent it. Silent tears fell like this.

A figure appeared before me, gently wiping away my tears with a handkerchief.

"Once the war is over, we will find a way together. You must always hold onto hope for the future."

"Qingyu, I can accept life and death; they will come sooner or later. Had it not been for the calming pill of the ancient rattan, I would not have lasted this long. Perhaps these past five years were a borrowed extension of my life. My only heartache is for the child; he is still so small. Heaven has not shown the slightest bit of mercy to my boy. The blood in his veins is that of two imperial lineages, which by all rights makes him infinitely noble. Yet he has had to live in hiding, never enjoying a single day of living proudly in the light. I am not a competent mother, nor have I given him the paternal love he deserves. I originally intended to keep it a secret from Li Yexuan forever, but I suppose if my child can receive the affection of his biological father through this, even a moment longer would be worth it. Besides, he has you, two uncles, and the love of his aunt."

"Zijun, having a mother like you is the greatest blessing of the baby's life."

"Qingyu, we have known each other for five years—no, counting the very first time I saved you, it must be six years now."

"Indeed."

"Actually, I knew that when you first rescued me, you were also aiming for the legendary, non-existent treasure."

"I thought you would never find out." Dongfang Qingyu smiled, neither coy nor embarrassed, instead open and calm as he let me inspect him.

"Later on, when you learned there was no treasure in my hands at all, why didn't you harm me, nor leave?" I simply asked the question aloud, though I had already guessed the answer in my heart.

"Naturally, because I discovered something far more precious than any treasure."

I smiled and said nothing. Neither of us continued the conversation. Some things were truly not yet the time to be spoken.

After resting for a while, I stepped out of Dongfang Qingyu's tent, only to see Li Yexuan waiting not far away.

"What is it? Is something the matter?" I walked over and asked.

Knowing that I only had three months left to live, and knowing that once the situation stabilized, I would no longer see Li Yexuan, I suddenly felt a strong desire to draw close to him.

"Nothing. I just wanted to apologize to you."

"Didn't you already say sorry?"

"I spoke too harshly just now, but I am the baby's father after all, and I do know a thing or two about fighting wars. Can you let me help you?"

I had not expected Li Yexuan to say such words. Moreover, he had been sent out by the late emperor in his early years and had experienced numerous military campaigns.

"Very well. But if I discover that you harbor divided loyalties toward the Lingyun Kingdom, I will not spare you for the sake of the child."

"You have my word."

"I am going to check on the baby. Would you like to come along?"

"Let's go."

Li Yexuan and I stepped into the tent together and saw Afu dressing the child.

"Mother, Father." A sweet voice rang out.

I stepped forward and took the clothes from Afu's hands. "You may step down. I will take care of it."

"Yes, Your Highness."

I slowly helped my son on with his outer garment and boots.

"Mother, baby missed Mother so much. Hold me, Mother."

I reached out, scooped the baby up, and settled him on my lap.

"Were you not a good boy with your father? You certainly have a lot of nerve—you even set fire to the imperial kitchens and made so many people go hungry."

"No I didn't, baby just wanted to cook for Mother." Two tiny hands pressed together, two little fingers twirling around each other.

"Remember this for the future: playing with fire is strictly forbidden."

"Alright, I have already scolded him for it." Li Yexuan sat down beside me as well, gazing at the child.

"Though it seems you really have grown quite a bit heavier for Mother to hold."

"Baby is not fat."

"Pfft."

"He must take after me." Li Yexuan also grasped one of the baby's tiny hands, bringing it to his lips and kissing it gently.

"That's right. That year under the cherry blossom tree, you were still just a little chubby boy; no wonder I didn't recognize you."

"So Father and Mother knew each other when they were little?" The baby looked curiously from me to Li Yexuan.

"Indeed. Your father even peeled chestnuts for your mother to eat."

"Father never peeled chestnuts for baby. Baby wants some, baby wants some."

"Father will go buy some. Just wait." Li Yexuan made a motion to leave.

"He's just a child talking nonsense, are you really going?"

"Of course. That is my son, after all."

However, in this place where the great army was encamped, where would one find chestnuts? By the time Li Yexuan returned with them, it was already dark.

The candle in the tent was still burning, and when Li Yexuan entered, I was dozing off. Seeing him arrive, I opened my eyes.

"Why didn't you go sleep on the bed?"

"Why are you back so late?" I took the chestnuts from Li Yexuan's hands and poured him a cup of tea.

Li Yexuan took a sip and said, "The nearby market was already deserted, so I went to find a family that sells chestnuts and had them make a fresh batch on the spot."

"But the baby has already fallen asleep..."

"..."

"Then I shall peel them for you to eat." With that, Li Yexuan picked up a chestnut and began to peel it patiently.

"If the baby wakes up and there are none to eat, he will cry."

"We can just leave some for him, can't we?" As he spoke, Li Yexuan finished peeling one and brought it close to my lips.

I ate it under his eager gaze.

"I remember back then, you said your mother..."

"That was my empress mother, who has long since passed away..."

"I'm sorry. Please accept my condolences."

"It's fine. So many years have already passed."

I will always remember that the candlelight that night was very gentle. He sat right before me, peeling chestnuts for me to eat, just like the two youthful figures beneath the cherry blossom tree. This was already more than enough—with me holding our son, waiting for him to return at night, even if I was nodding off, I would wait. Just like the most ordinary husband and wife.

I do not know when it started, but Li Yexuan pulled me onto his lap and kissed my lips. Knowing full well that all of this was forbidden, I was nonetheless unable to control myself and accepted every bit of sweetness he offered, returning his kiss. Encouraged by my response, his passion grew, kissing me until I was nearly breathless.

I pushed him away, slid down from his lap, and turned my back to him.

His arms wrapped around my waist from behind, and he lowered his head close to my ear.

"You see? You still have feelings for me."

Yes, I did have feelings for you, but I could never admit it, nor could I allow myself to lose control.

I slowly broke free from his embrace.

The next second, my wrist was caught firmly by Li Yexuan.

"Come with me." Li Yexuan pulled me out of the tent and told Afu outside, "Watch the child."

"Yes."

"Li Yexuan, what are you doing? Let go of me, ah—"

The world spun, and I was swept up horizontally in Li Yexuan's arms. He carried me into his tent and threw me onto the bed.

"Li Yexuan, what do you want? Let me go."

My answer was Li Yexuan pressing his body down upon mine, the sound of tearing fabric, and my body exposed to the chill of the air, making me shiver.

"No, Li Yexuan, you cannot do this to me."

"Zijun, I want you to see your own heart clearly."

"Ah—"

Without any foreplay, he entered me just like that. Pain—indescribable pain—and tears burst from my eyes. Li Yexuan's dense, countless kisses fell, kissing away my tears entirely. Over and over, he called my name, driving me step by step into that realm I had not reached for five years.

My hands hung limply at my sides, and I opened my hollow eyes. The person beside me had already fallen asleep.

I picked up my torn clothes from the floor. Fortunately, his assault had not been too violent, and they were still wearable. I dressed myself with light, cautious movements and slipped outside.

The military camp was filled with soldiers; I could not let the baby see me in this state, and for a moment I had nowhere to go.

Pulling my clothes tightly around me, I hurried toward my aunt's tent. The guards outside the tent looked at me with a trace of surprise at my disheveled state, but without asking too many questions, they let me pass.

Entering my aunt's tent, I lit the candle inside.

Upon seeing my appearance, my aunt quickly threw on an outer robe and got up.

"What has happened, child?"

"Auntie."

I threw myself into my aunt's arms and wept bitterly.

"What is it, Zijun? Tell Auntie everything."

Her words only made me cry harder. The moment my aunt saw my tattered garments and the faint marks lingering on my body, she understood instantly what had taken place.

"Who did this?" The hands holding me trembled slightly.

I said nothing, only shaking my head frantically.

"Was it Li Yexuan?"

I remained silent.

"Auntie will draw a bath for you so you do not fall ill, alright?"

I nodded, truly feeling rather uncomfortable in my skin.

"Wait here."

My aunt went outside the tent, sent someone to summon Alin, told her she needed a bath, and whispered something quietly into Alin's ear.

Soon, a wooden tub and plenty of hot water were carried in.

"There is nothing else suitable in the tent for now, so you will have to make do with this wash."

"Mm, I can manage on my own."

I slowly washed away his scent from my skin, and slowly washed away the reluctance in my heart, though I knew full well it could never be entirely washed away.

When I finished and changed into clean clothes, the wooden tub was removed.

Alin brought in a bowl of medicinal soup, placed it on the table, and respectfully withdrew.

"Auntie, what is this..."

"Guteng said you suffered a hemorrhage when giving birth. I prepared this medicine for you; whether you drink it or not is entirely your choice."

My aunt was doing this for my own good, and besides, my physical condition was hardly suited for...

"Auntie is always so thoughtful." I picked up the bowl and drank the medicine.

My aunt took my hand. "Actually, Auntie knows that you also harbor feelings for Li Yexuan. But Auntie will say this again: whatever decision you make, Auntie will support you unconditionally. I believe if your imperial father and mother were still here, they would feel the same."

"Thank you, Auntie."

Familial love warmed my heart.