136 Self-Restraint

"Zijun..." I hadn't expected anyone to come at this hour.

"Who is it?"

"It's me." It was Li Yexuan’s voice.

"Come in."

Li Yexuan pushed open the door and entered. Seeing Dongfang Qingyu and me together in the tent, his expression darkened. I could feel his rising anger.

"Where is the child?"

"He's asleep. I'll have him come find you once he wakes up."

"That won't be necessary. I have something to discuss with you."

"Then I shall take my leave." Dongfang Qingyu turned to go as soon as he heard this.

"Wait. Let's talk outside. Qingyu, please keep an eye on the baby; I’m afraid he might wake up and panic if he doesn't see me."

"Very well," Dongfang Qingyu agreed. Li Yexuan, however, seized my wrist and pulled me outside. The pain in my wrist told me that this man was truly furious.

Once we reached a secluded spot, Li Yexuan flung my hand away.

I didn't know what kind of madness had taken hold of him again, and I couldn't help but roll my eyes.

"Huangfu Zijun, do you even know the meaning of self-respect?" He had never spoken to me with such severity. In all our years together, I had never felt this way before—it was as if a basin of ice-cold water had been poured over my head. No matter how firm your convictions are, the words of the one you love most can shatter everything you are into pieces in an instant.

"I have no self-respect, then. So, Your Highness need not converse with a woman of such low character, lest you tarnish your own status." Flicking my sleeves, I turned sharply to leave.

"I'm sorry." My arm was grabbed.

"Li Yexuan, I have taught my child from a young age that words are like sharp swords; once spoken, they can never be taken back. Therefore, one should not speak lightly. Not every apology can be met with 'it's alright.' I may have lacked self-respect in the past, but from now on, I ask that you keep your distance, so as not to give me any further opportunities to be 'indecent.'"

My voice was not loud, but it was enough to shake his soul. I expected Li Yexuan to push me away, and I thought that parting ways then and there wouldn't be such a bad thing. But what I expected did not happen; he pulled me into his arms and held me tightly. I could not break free. The wind here was strong, and our hair blew and intertwined, like a double exposure printed against the mountainside.

"Don't move. Let me hold you for a while. I missed you—I missed you so much. I couldn't wait for the day of your triumphant return, so I brought the child to find you."

This statement made a cold sweat break out on my forehead.

*Sweat...*

It was as if I were the soldier out at war, and he were the wife left at home minding the children.

"Zijun, I thought it was best to let you do what you wanted, but I realize I was wrong. Dongfang Qingyu and Gu Teng can stay by your side, even as friends, subordinates, or allies, willing to brave fire and water for you. I admit, seeing Dongfang Qingyu beside you makes me mad with jealousy. How could I settle for being a man in the shadows? You are the mother of my child, and you are my woman. I want to be by your side, through life and death."

I shoved Li Yexuan away violently.

"That's enough. Are you done acting? Take these sweet words and go coax some other woman."

"What do you mean by that?"

Li Yexuan reached for my hand again. I threw it off once more.

"Since you know about the baby, I might as well play along. All I want is for your Yuehua Kingdom to spare Lingyun Kingdom for the sake of the child. Don't flatter yourself." I said no more and turned to leave; I didn't want to stay for another second.

"I refuse to accept this!" I heard Li Yexuan roar, and my footsteps faltered.

"Accept it or not, it has nothing to do with me. Li Yexuan, not every apology can be forgiven. Our status has destined that nothing between us is possible." Just as I finished speaking, I realized Li Yexuan was already standing right in front of me.

"Zijun, you once said you loved me."

His words sent ripples through the calm surface of my heart, like waves crashing against a reef.

I remembered. I had thought he hadn't heard that day. The day I resolutely jumped from the cliff—that was my nightmare regarding Li Yexuan. It wasn't something that ceased to exist just because I stopped thinking about it; it was there, a chasm between us that could never be bridged.

"I never said that."

"You did. You did. You cannot deny it."

In my eyes, Li Yexuan had always been a proud son of heaven, a wielder of power. In his world, nothing could make him waver or lose his composure. His eyes stared fixedly at me, and every emotion within them fell into my view. I couldn't say I understood them entirely, but I could feel them. Perhaps it was because we were once so close—we were once one, the closest people on earth.

During the five years on the island, in what should have been my most radiant, most beautiful years, I had become ascetic and detached, pouring all my heart into the child and the affairs of the Fantian Pavilion. Romantic love was no longer what I yearned for. In my past life, I remained unmarried for the sake of my family, and hadn't I survived that too?

I had tasted the beauty of love, and only then did I know that the bitterness of love would follow. I was heartless and loveless, which was not a bad thing. From now on, I would never ache for a man again.

"Speak, Zijun." Li Yexuan gripped my shoulders, and I felt the pain.

"The one who loved you was Mu Fan. I am Huangfu Zijun." Having said this calmly, I clearly felt Li Yexuan’s body go rigid, and his grip slowly loosened.

I didn't look at his face again. I turned and walked away, step by agonizing step.

"Zijun!" Li Yexuan’s call echoed behind me.

My footsteps had never felt so heavy. The taste of blood in my mouth grew stronger, and it began to seep from the corners of my lips. I hurriedly wiped it away, terrified that Li Yexuan would see, but my legs felt weighted with a thousand pounds, unable to lift.

In the distance, Dongfang Qingyu walked toward me. He saw my condition and rushed over, shocked. I threw myself into his arms and whispered the word "Go" where only we could hear.

Dongfang Qingyu understood me. He stroked my hair with a tenderness that held a wealth of affection and scooped me up into his arms.

"Huangfu Zijun, Dongfang Qingyu, what is the meaning of this?" Li Yexuan's voice carried a hint of suppressed fury.

My hand still gripped Dongfang Qingyu's collar.

"What is the meaning? Can't Your Highness see for yourself? The big picture takes precedence now. I hope Your Highness will exercise restraint, lest the morale of the army be shaken and all of Zijun's hard work be destroyed in an instant." With that, Dongfang Qingyu carried me away.

He carried me brazenly into his tent and laid me on the bed. I was still conscious, but I remained silent.

"Someone!"

"I am here, my lord."

"Go find Gu Teng. Remember, without my orders, no one is to enter. Tell them we are discussing matters of great importance."

"Yes."

"I'm fine. Why must you make such a fuss? Gu Teng is already swamped." I sat up, feeling much better now that the initial wave of weakness had passed.

"Let him come and check on you. If I hadn't noticed you were gone for so long, and if Li Yexuan's jealousy hadn't been written all over his face, I wouldn't have left Afu to watch the baby and run over to look for you. Otherwise, the whole charade would have been ruined."

"It's a good thing I have you."

Before long, Gu Teng arrived.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked, sitting on the edge of the bed and reaching for my pulse.

"Nothing. Qingyu is just overreacting. I'm sorry to have troubled you for nothing."

I caught a flash of an unusual emotion in Gu Teng's eyes, gone in a blink, nearly missed.

"Just keep taking the small Lingzhi pills on schedule," Gu Teng said with a smile, pulling a bottle from his robes.

"Cousin, you really have plenty of miracle cures."

"Of course. Here, take it." He shoved it into my hand as if the medicine cost nothing.

I took the bottle and put away my playful facade.

"Gu Teng, we are cousins, after all. Don't hide it from me anymore. I know my own body."

Gu Teng trembled slightly.

"You're thinking too much."

"Fine. If you won't tell me the truth, I won't take the medicine." I looked at him, waiting for him to yield.

"Alright."

"Tell me," Dongfang Qingyu urged.

"The Ningxiang Pills have almost completely lost their efficacy." Dongfang Qingyu and I both widened our eyes. If the pills had lost their effect, did that mean I was nearing the end?

"What about the small Lingzhi? Haven't I been taking plenty of those?" Dongfang Qingyu grabbed Gu Teng's hand.

Gu Teng shook his head.

"Those were merely auxiliary, meant to slow the effects of the Ningxiang Pills."

"How much time do I have left?" My gaze was steady; in my world, everything seemed to have become strangely ordinary.

"Ten days."

"That's not enough." Ten days was not enough for me to settle the affairs of Lingyun Kingdom. Both Zijun and the baby needed me. "Is there any way to buy more time?"

Gu Teng took a pill from his robes.

"I had my royal brother in the Great Desert have this made. It mimics the ingredients of the Ningxiang Pills, but some of the original ingredients are too rare; I have searched for years and never found them. You can try it, but..."

"But what?"

"It will only last for three months."

"That will do."

I took the pill from Gu Teng's hand and swallowed it. Then, I hugged him.

"Thank you, elder brother, for everything you've done for me all these years."

"My dear sister."

I pulled away from his embrace and smiled at him.

"Zijun, should we let Kong Yuelin try? Perhaps he..."

"No need. There is bad blood between us, and besides, I don't want *him* to know. Death is inevitable for everyone; I have come to terms with it. You two should not be sad, and do not let a fourth person know."

"Understood," Gu Teng said, bowing his head.

"Damn it!" Dongfang Qingyu kicked a chair and ran out.

I had never heard Dongfang Qingyu speak like that before.